


Vignettes from the DNA World Tour

by Pocket_Owl



Series: Vignettes [1]
Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Abuse, DNA Tour, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Love will find a way, M/M, Romance, past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:47:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24617062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pocket_Owl/pseuds/Pocket_Owl
Summary: Brian and Nick slowly rediscover each other on the DNA Tour.
Relationships: Nick Carter/Brian Littrell
Series: Vignettes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1879528
Comments: 9
Kudos: 24





	Vignettes from the DNA World Tour

**Author's Note:**

  * For [callitnewlove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/callitnewlove/gifts).



> For Maggie.

  
**Lisboa, Portugal  
7 maio 2019**

When Brian first heard the knocking at the door, he was tempted to turn over and ignore it; it was the middle of the night and he was sleeping after an energetic day of rehearsals.

Then, he recalled that there were a limited number of people that could have made it past all the security to the door of his room to begin with, and he cared about them all.

Brian turned over, a look of annoyance on his face. "Damn." He slowly and sleepily made his way to the door and opened it.

"Nick?"

Nick stood at the door, still fully dressed, with a pillow. He looked around sheepishly and asked, "Can I come in?"

"Sure." Brian opened the door for him. "What are you doing here?"

"Lauren and I got in a fight. She wouldn't allow me to ... Can I sleep here?"

"Yeah, okay."

Nick headed for the couch.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Brian thought he should ask.

Nick looked a little scared for a moment, but it was fleeting. "No, I probably shouldn't."

Brian found a sheet set and another blanket in the hotel closet and set Nick up on the couch, before heading back to bed himself.

A voice came out of the dark. "Bri? Thanks."

Perhaps it was because he was already half-asleep, but Brian was filled with a sudden sense of déjà vu.

Nick was gone when he got up in the morning; he always did get up earlier than Brian. Brian didn't see him at breakfast, didn't see him at all until rehearsals started and as soon as they were over, Nick was gone again.

  
**Paris, France  
18 mai 2019**

Brian expected to spend the night alone. He was used to it, these days; he slept alone most nights and had come to prefer it. He had never slept very well with Leighanne in the bed, anyway.

Brian was surprised when Nick showed up around 8pm, in his pajamas and with his gaming console. When Brian opened the door he invited himself in and started hooking it to the TV.

Brian couldn't help but laugh and didn't stop laughing for the rest of the evening.

That night, after Nick had returned to his room, Brian slept fitfully. He felt drawn to the couch. He carefully got out of bed and went to stand over it. Disquiet filled him as he looked down at the empty space where Nick was supposed to be: sleeping there, hugging his pillow, his features only half-visible in the dim orange light of the city.

When he headed back to the bed, he dreamt of Nick, warm in his bed.

  
**Köln, Deutschland  
20\. Mai 2019**

Dinner break and Nick was at the catering table, laughing. Howie had told some off-color joke and Howie’s jokes are always funnier, because he blushes at every one, even his own.

Nick turned around and there was Brian, making him jump. Nick said hi, then started to head off, but Brian stopped him with a hand on his arm. Nick glanced at his hand, before looking back up at Brian.

"Hold on just a sec."

Brian seemed nervous as he dug in his pocket. He handed Nick a key card.

"Just in case."

Nick looked at it for a few moments in amazement. When he looked up, a genuine smile on his face, Brian was gone.

  
**Stockholm, Sverige  
2\. juni 2019**

Nick knew that Brian liked to walk the stage before a show and Nick liked to watch him do it. It had been years since he last let himself do so, but today he was sitting in one of the house seats, listening to the sounds of the last minute preparations as he waited.

Maybe it was the nostalgia that drove him to their old routine. Nick didn't know, but his heart sped up when he first spotted Brian in the wings.

Brian made his way slowly around the darkened stage, running his hands gently along the set pieces and rigging as he went. Nick wondered what he was thinking about. Was he worried about tonight's performance? Was he thinking of old times, like Nick was?

Brian stood center stage and looked out into the house; the last phase of his ritual. Nick watched as he scanned the seats, imagining the people, the audience, all there just for them.

Brian spotted him; their eyes met and held for a long time.

When Brian finally lowered his eyes and walked backstage again, Nick rubbed his hands along his thighs and breathed out, not even fully aware that he had been holding his breath.

  
**Helsinki, Suomi  
5\. kesäkuuta 2019**

Nick's bus was chaotic and overcrowded. Besides Kevin, Howie, Kevin's family, Howie's family, three bodyguards, and the bus driver, there was also Nick, his pregnant wife, his toddler son, his father-in-law, and his mother-in-law.

There was even his wife-approved male lover. Nick liked Justin, but he would never love him, and that suited Lauren just fine.

At the moment, Howie was turning his bunk upside-down looking for something, Leigh was talking too loudly to Kevin, and Lauren was yelling at Nick while he tried to ignore her and tie Odin's shoes.

"Unka Bian."

Nick looked up at Odin. "What about Uncle Brian?"

Odin pointed over Nick's shoulder.

There was Brian in the doorway of the bus, a basketball tucked under one arm.

"Hey."

Lauren stopped yelling and stalked off.

Brian continued, his voice soft, "I was just thinking that you and I — and Odin, if he wanted to — could go and shoot some hoops?"

"Shoop hoots! Shoop hoots!" Odin was bouncing up and down in his chair, kicking his feet.

Nick laughed and said, "Looks like you're on." He turned back to Odin, "— but we can only go if I can finish tying your shoes."

Brian and Odin won and Nick didn't even mind that they cheated; it was too cute watching Odin dunk from Brian's shoulders.

When dinner rolled around, Odin was still talking about it.

"'It’s funny! Unka Bian tickles Daddy like Daddy tickles me! Daddy was dibbling and then Unka Bian was there," he pointed to his chest, "and Daddy didn't stop laughing." Odin doubled over in laughter.

Lauren quietly got up and gave Nick the silent treatment for the rest of the day.

Odin was still thinking about it when Nick was tucking him into his bunk. "I love you, Daddy."

"I love you, too, Odin."

"And I love Unka Bian."

"Uncle Brian loves you, too; I am sure of it."

"No, Daddy, Unka Bian loves you."

Nick’s father-in-law gave him a lecture before the concert, about what sort of example he was setting for his son.

When the after party was over, Nick used his key card and climbed into Brian's bed, being careful not to wake him up.

  
**København, Danmark  
8\. juni 2019**

"Listen, it's not good for you to be around here. Kevin just got the flu; what if you do, too? What will it do to the baby?"

Lauren wasn't convinced; she seemed suspicious. "Why do you want me to leave?"

"Justin can take you home. Your family will be there. You'll be fine. I don't know why you all insisted on coming over, anyway. All this travel can't be good for the baby. You don't want to lose her, do you?"

"I'm here for you, Nick. You can't be trusted; you've said so yourself. So, if anything happens to her, it's your fault."

"Why can't you just go home?!"

"I'll think about it," she said as she climbed in back of the car.

  
**London, England  
18 June 2019**

Nick awoke slowly, Brian’s arm wrapped around him, his scent surrounding him. It felt like an unimaginable luxury.

It was a summer dawn, when the growing light seems crisp, clean, and bright. Nick pulled Brian’s arm tighter around him and squirmed back into Brian, appreciating the moment, knowing he didn’t have to get up yet. He felt warm, snuggled against Brian; he felt cared for and safe. Brian hummed low in his throat, still asleep.

Nick chuckled and untangled himself from a sleeping Brian, who did not want to let him go. He got out of bed, then quietly padded in his sock-feet to Brian’s bathroom to get ready for the day.

  
**Warszawa, Polska  
dn. 24 czerwca 2019 r.**

The tension was spilling over to their on-stage interactions. Brian loved it when Nick would come over and sing to him, kiss him on the neck, or put an arm around his shoulder. It felt like a delicious secret.

Brian loved it even more when he could affect Nick — make him miss a cue, or cause him to smile that smile — just by being close, just by touching him.

Tonight, though, was something special. He lay in bed, listening to Nick breathe beside him, still thinking about the reaction he had caused in Nick.

They had been flirting, openly, on stage: smiling, singing into each other's mics. Brian reached out to tickle Nick’s neck and Nick’s first reaction was to lean in, tilt his head and ...

Both he and Nick knew what he was about to do, but Nick jumped back instead, channeling the awkward moment into a smack on Brian’s ass. Brian smiled as he remembered Nick blushing, being so unsure of himself for those seconds afterwards.

He felt possessive of the man beside him and utterly, completely, self-satisfied.

On second thought, someone had also tossed him a rainbow flag. Maybe they should tone it down.

  
**Budapest, Magyarország  
2019\. június 26**

Brian woke on the last day before his flight back to the US. Nick was already gone from his bed and he felt the loss.

He thought now, that he should have been missing Leighanne, but he didn't; aside from occasionally wondering what she was up to, he hardly thought about her at all, and then mostly when he was already thinking about Baylee.

Shouldn't he have been sad, for the past two months, his first extended time without her for more than half a decade? He wasn't sad; in fact, he had been remarkably clear-headed. For the first time in a long time, he thought and felt clearly, even if it wasn't always pleasant.

Now, he was going back.

He took a shower and brushed his teeth in the deepening gray. As it slowly took him, he realized that the past few weeks had only been a reprieve from the fog, from the mental and emotional confusion that was his life. Now that he was about to go home, it was returning.

  
**Washington, DC  
July 10, 2019**

Nick finally broke. "Why do you have to be that way, huh?" he yelled at Brian.

"What way?" Brian yelled back.

Nick got in Brian's face. "So fuckin' bossy."

Brian pushed his own chest back into Nick's. "I don't know, Nicky baby. Maybe if you'd get it right once in awhile."

"I'm not some little kid, anymore." Nick put his hand flat on Brian's chest, pushing him a little.

That seemed to be the end of Brian's fuse. Before he knew it, Nick was on the ground, underneath Brian, his upper arms being held down.

"Then don't act like it."

Nick struggled against the weight of Brian on top of him for a moment — "Damn! Where did that come from?!" — but then Brian was gone, walking off, leaving a shaking Nick behind him, his attention on all the spots where Brian had been touching him.

  
**Montréal, Québec  
July 15, 2019**

Brian always rushed through his wardrobe change and back to his spot under the stage, where he could watch Nick's solo through a tiny crack.

_"... I'm going crazy over you, over you again ..."_

He loved to see Nick’s playfully arousing moves when he sang; loved to hear the feeling Nick put into the song. He loved to pretend Nick was singing to him.

_"... It's so crazy, what you do, what you do to me ..."_

He loved to think he could sing the rest of the song back at him.

_"... It's a shot to my veins, lying in your bed. I never thought I'd be back with you, again. So do your worst, because you know that I’ll always forgive you. Yes, I will ..."_

He'd mean every word.

  
**Los Angeles, California  
August 3, 2019**

Lauren slapped him across the face. "Find it."

Nick stood up, angry and defensive, and took a step towards her.

"Don't you even dare! If you think for a moment I wouldn’t dare ruin your precious reputation like all your other little bitches, then you've got another think coming. Find it! I won't have you going on stage without it."

Nick turned around and saw Odin in the doorway. He scooped him up, trying to put on a brave face for his son, but Odin was near tears.

"I’s sorry, Daddy! I didn’t know I'd make you in tubble." Odin started crying and held out his wedding ring. "It was pretty."

“Like Mommy,” Nick thought, “just like Mommy.”

  
**Boston, Massachusetts  
Aug 14, 2019**

The water of the shower hid Brian's tears and provided lubrication. He wasn't sure why his heart was aching so badly, but he for damn sure knew why he had himself in his hand, his other hand bracing himself against the shower wall.

The one-on-one basketball game had been a mistake: too many opportunities for touching Nick, for him to push himself back into Brian's body, both of them sweaty and breathing hard.

His head fell, the feelings overwhelming him. He had won, but he had lost, too.

#

Nick recalled every moment of the basketball game in his post-game shower, moaning with each thrust into his hand.

They had been extra competitive; each of them blocking the other with their full body and fouling each other trying to get the ball. Nick heard Brian's grunts in his mind, as he imagined a far more interesting reason for them.

It felt good — It felt amazing! — until he was done and then the usual confusion and fear and self-doubt set in.

  
**Orlando, Florida  
August 25, 2019**

At the sound of the knocking on the door, Brian woke, and turned over. He and Nick had spent another after-concert evening together, watching a movie with Baylee. In his newly-awakened state, he was disappointed to find that Nick was not in his bed and Leighanne was there instead.

He put on his robe and opened the door.

The attendant wheeled the cart in. "Room service, compliments of Mr. Carter." He uncovered the dishes and named them all, "Paleo pancakes, fruit salad, and a sliced avocado."

"Mr. Carter says," he cleared his throat, "that he, 'wants you to pretend that he made it for you.'"

  
**New Orleans, Louisiana  
August 30, 2019**

_Brian felt Nick's breathing hitch as he lost his last breath to Brian's hands. Nick squirmed beneath him, pushing his hips up and into Brian, driving him wild._

_Nick began to thrash a little harder, his face turning red. Brian's blood was hot; he was close._

_Nick's hands came to his neck and pulled, but Brian didn't stop. It was too good — felt too nice — to have Nick at his mercy again._

_The bed beneath them turned into water and Brian pushed down on Nick, submerging his face. Nick's eyes screamed, as his voice could not, a frantic look on his face as his lips turned blue in the cold water._

_Brian straightened his arms and pushed Nick even harder down into the sand. Brian felt a crunch in his grip, just as he pushed himself one last time into Nick._

_Brian looked down; 16-year-old Nick lay silent and still beneath him, his eyes glassy beneath the waves._

Brian drew a deep breath and bolted upright in his bed. Sweat dripped off of him. He was wet and panicking, the details of his dream slowly coming back to him. It took a long time for him to calm himself, to realize that he hadn't actually — he couldn't bring himself to even think the words.

He went to the small bus bathroom, still half-asleep, and cleaned himself off as best he could. He crawled back into bed and promised himself, "I'm going to make the right decision this time."

  
**Kansas City, Missouri  
September 7, 2019**

Nick waved good-bye for as long as anyone could possibly be looking. Ever aware of the possibility of cameras he wore his mask that said he was sad to see them go until he got back to his car.

As soon as the door closed, he let himself grin a bit and fished his phone from his pocket.

"Lor, would you call Eddie and have him cancel my presence at the after party? ... Yeah, yeah. ... I don't know; I'm sick, maybe? It's been going around."

#

Brian turned over in Nick's bed to face him.

"Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?"

"On the Never Gone tour, when you said you'd always be mine? That you'd always be there for me, if I wanted you?"

Nick snorted. "God, your memory is too fucking good."

"Don't swear."

"Sorry." Nick couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "'Gosh, your memory is too fucking good.'"

He continued, "I can't even remember half of that year, much less what I said."

"Was it true, then, or some drug thing?"

Nick sounded small and vulnerable when he finally answered, "It was true. It's always true, no matter when I said it."

Brian couldn't quite process that information; it scared him. "Okay, then."

"— and yes, I know it's fucked up to feel that way. I've tried to fix it, but it hasn't happened yet."

Brian looked at Nick in the dark, trying to make out the blue in his eyes. He desperately wanted to close the distance between them, put a hand in Nick's hair, his lips on — but he turned over instead.

"Don't fix it."

  
**Atlanta, Georgia  
September 25, 2019**

Another hiatus, another empty bed. Brian was losing sleep and tonight was no different.

He now realized that he always slept better when Nick was there, and it hadn't taken long for him to get used to it again. He kicked the covers off him in one moment and was chilled from the air-conditioning the next; he just couldn’t get comfortable.

He opened his eyes to the familiar sight of his bedroom ceiling. His feelings were a mess.

He wanted Nick, but felt it would be too selfish to try; he would hurt Nick and that was the last thing he wanted. Why try for more? Wasn't it enough just to have Nick sleeping in his bed again?

No! He needed him so badly his chest hurt like his heart wanted to claw its way out and go be with Nick; there was no sense denying it anymore. He wanted to be selfish, but every part of him told him that he'd lose Nick if he tried.

— but, after all these years, Nick wasn't even his, anymore.

  
**Las Vegas, Nevada  
September 30, 2019**

Nick fought sleep; he had to figure it out. Brian didn't want him to fix his feelings for him, but what the hell was that supposed to mean?

Finally, he got up to pace.

"Nick," he asked himself, "Could it be true? And if it is, what then? It couldn't work this time, could it?"

He stopped in his tracks. "This time." He repeated the phrase again. "This time."

He let the idea roll around in his head and resumed pacing.

He thought about the beginning — how happy they had been, how he expected it to never stop. When it had, he had been devastated, torn in two.

Then it happened again, and again; each time he had been hurt, but then he let it happen again: over and over, the cycle of happiness, then pain.

"Fuck me!" he cried. "That's it!"

"Shut up," a groggy Lauren said from their bed.

He was so happy! He couldn't wait until Asia, when he would see Brian again.

  
**大阪市, 日本  
2019年10月16日**

After the concert, Nick found Brian in the dressing room. He grabbed his hand and searched for a private space.

"I guess this will have to do," Nick said as he pulled him into a chair-storage closet.

"Nick, what ... ? Don't you have an after party to get to?"

"This is the after party."

Brian was apprehensive. "What are we doing in here, Nick?" He sat down in one of the chairs.

Nick leaned against a stack of chairs and smiled warmly. "I'm not afraid of you, anymore."

Brian had to put a stop to that thinking, right now. "You should be; I am." His whole body remembered what it felt like to touch Nick. "I won't be able to stop myself and then ... "

An exasperated Nick cut him off. "Brian, you know it's not the part when you love me that hurts, right?

There was a long silence and when he answered, Brian practically whispered, "I'll leave."

Nick was triumphant. "Just so long as you come back."

Brian's head fell forward into his hands. He wasn't sure if he was praying or feeling the confusion clear from his head, but maybe it was both.

#

The car ride back to the hotel felt like walking on thin ice; at any moment they might unwittingly break through the brittle tension to the other side.

As soon as the scene had been okayed by their men, they bounded out of the car and ran inside, without so much as a wave for the fans waiting outside. The elevator ride up was excruciating; they had to look everywhere but each other to keep themselves in check.

When it reached their floor, Brian grabbed Nick's hand and led him to his door, but before Brian could pull his key card from his wallet, Nick was pulling him back along the hallway to his own room.

Once the card had been inserted by a shaking hand and they were inside, it felt like they could breathe again, and suddenly they were in no rush.

Nick rummaged around in the mini-bar looking for something to take care of the butterflies in his stomach. When he turned around with a small bottle of hotel-quality sake for Brian and an orange soda for himself (a habit born of days when he was still too young to drink), he was surprised to find Brian was right behind him.

Brian accepted the sake and bolted it. He only allowed Nick a few sips before taking the drink from Nick's hand and setting it down on the nearby dresser, his fingers brushing against Nick's hand, sending electric pulses back up his arm.

He had Nick's full attention, now. Nick went and sat on the bed. Brian followed and stood between his legs, looking down at him with now undisguised lust and love. Nick looked up at him with a vulnerable smile, so endearing.

They held each other’s gaze, as Brian tried to calm his nerves. Brian knew how important this was; more than ever before.

Their first time was born of all-consuming passion and innocence and they didn’t know then how much it meant. The times in-between were only temporary reprieves from a life of deprivation.

This time — this time would be a promise.

Nick watched as Brian slowly worked off his wedding ring, and placed it on the dresser. Then, taking Nick's left hand in his own and meeting his eyes, he took off Nick’s ring and placed it beside his own.

Nick knew what the gesture meant to Brian; he felt weak from the weight of it.

Brian steadied his hand and reached out, cupping Nick’s face; Nick smiled contentedly and nestled into his hand, happy to be Brian’s again. Brian ran his thumb over Nick’s cheek and Nick sighed, turning his head to kiss Brian’s palm.

Brian brought Nick’s head to his chest and held it tightly there. For a while, they did nothing but feel each other’s chests rise and fall, breathing more freely than they had in a long, long time.

Still holding Nick to his chest, Brian stroked Nick’s hair, combing his fingers through the strands. Finally, he gently tugged on a fistful of Nick’s hair, pulling his head away from his chest. For a moment, they only watched each other, their breath quickening.

Then, Brian leaned down and placed one small kiss on Nick's lips. Like the first time, like every time, bliss opened their hearts — like a bright light in a dark room, like the sun at dawn.

It didn't take long for him to deepen their kiss, opening Nick’s mouth with a slide of his tongue, or for him to begin to push Nick down. Their pulses beating swiftly, heightening their awareness of each other, Brian laid Nick back on the bed and led them to their completion — that moment when, joined, they were one again.

  
**Honolulu, Hawaii  
November 1, 2019**

"It's just for a while," Brian tried to reassure an obviously scared Nick in his arms.

"My head knows."

"But your heart?"

"I'll convince my heart." Nick's voice wavered, "Just ... come back, okay?"

"Nick," Brian waited until Nick looked up at him. "I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to live up to the promises I made when we were young. From now on, I will always fight to come back to you, to this.”

Brian felt Nick put his head back on his chest.

When he next spoke, Brian heard the tears in Nick's voice. "Forever?"

Brian's mind was immediately flooded by the memory of another time Nick had asked that, lying in his arms, after their first time together. Brian answered with the same words he had then, his voice having to push past the knot in his throat, "Yeah, Nick — best friends forever."


End file.
